I didn’t know I loved

I didn’t know

I loved cigarette smoke until her flame went out

Walking into her empty house missing the smoke blow in my face

Entering my lungs, knowing mamalws home

I didn’t know

I loved fighting

Until I realized that’s how you know someone loves you

To fight with and for you no matter how hard you make it

I didn’t know

I loved being judged

Until being judged pushed me harder to realize I don’t care about others opinions

I don’t want or need acceptance to non needed people

I didn’t know

I loved hospitals

Until that one night when my mamawl was saved for one more tomorrow

Until she was able to breath one more time

I didn’t know

I loved books

Until I read so many I felt consumed in them

Abandoned in this world when the final chapter ended

I didn’t know

I loved myself

Until I seen that everything and everyone that I do love,

Makes me who I am

Until I see my home in me

My mamalws laugh, my aunts eyes, my sisters strength, my great mamawls courage and my mothers smile

I didn’t know

Shadows

They follow me 

lurking around until they’re so close they almost grab me

I asked “Who are you?” 

They answer 

” We are you. Who you are, who you want to be, and who you were” 

I stop at them and gaze 

Wonder fills up within my soul

Making me reach up and letting them lure me in

Consume me, until I’m nothing but a black orb

These shadows are my answer and I’m not waiting for the truth 

They open in a wide square and as I step in they say “Welcome”

Breathe

If I stop breathing
I will give my air to you
So you’ll keep living

I never want to loose you
So I’ll give my life away so you’ll be happy
Spend it well
Think about me every now and then

If I die today I’ll always be with you
Never too far
Just breathe in and then you’ll find me

I’m with you

1999

1999

My name is Taylor

I open my eyes up wide,

blinded by this bright light

The air tastes different here

 

2002

My name is Taylor

Mommy’s on the ground with sissy in her tummy

I scream, but daddy don’t listen

 

2003

My name is Taylor

There’s a knock on the door

Mommy tells mamawl to get me an run

All I see are flashing lights

What’s wrong mamawl?

She tells me “Everything’s okay baby, stay here and don’t come out”

 

2003

My name is Taylor

I never liked these plans

The smell gives me fear

It’s okay though because my baby’s coming today

Her name is Olivia

I’m her big sister

She’s so small

I’ll always protect you Livy

 

2012

My name is Taylor

As I hold her beautiful aged hand

Telling her for the last time “I love you mamawl, forever”

I end it with “I’m sorry”

Regret, guilt, depression, and loss has never filled me so much

 

2013

My name is Taylor

The earth is becoming new

A piece of me is gone forever

I can’t do this anymore

I weigh 112 now

I’ve never felt pain like this

 

2013

My name is Taylor

I don’t know where I am

Bright lights shine in my eyes

Someone asks how I’m feeling

The familiar smell of fear hits me

Why am I in the hospital?

 

2014

My name is Taylor

My hair started to grow back and

I’ve finally come to peace with myself

I can breathe again

 

2015

My name is Taylor

My life seems to be a mixture of mixed up puzzle pieces trying to fit

They finally started falling into place

I feel……….. okay now

 

2016

My name is Taylor

The room is quiet

My pen bleeds all over my paper

I think to myself should I start all over?

I want to speak from my memories, my pain

But sometimes the truth is not what everyone wants to hear

Is it?

 

Rescue the dead

Truth’s secret tears

And our lips tremble with sadness

Perhaps love and death are the same

Once more he lays there in agony

Screaming while the pain bursts out

His heart is like a corpse

Rescue the dead