Archive for the ‘Autumn’ Category

Cracks in the Floodwall

Posted: March 24, 2008 by Autumn in Autumn

Deflecting low blows, she is a breathing barricade—iron and steel, ever holding up in the face of adversity. Why doesn’t she falter? Because she can’t. Words fall on her, sink in like leaden weights determined to extinguish her spirit. She has many moments of weakness. She’s indecisive. She thinks back, ponders past decisions. Ponders the path she’s currently on. Are her strides sure enough to carry her where she wants to go? Oh, but she doesn’t run, she hides. Her fortress keeps her safe, keeps her distant. She always attempts to find a silver lining, but sometimes it’s so hard to see a glint in the endless grey in that metallic-tasting life she leads atop the tower. Her eyes are the only windows to the world she cares to peer out of. Every time a sympathetic soul offers a ladder for her to climb down, she grasps the handrails, desiring nothing more than to descend…but she ultimately denies the aid she so craves, every single time. The ladder goes clattering back to the earth in a cloud of dust and apologies. You see, she has to preserve her life the way it is, as cold and withdrawn as it may seem, because the only thing that feels right in her silent, clinical, private life…is wrong.

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“The air is sharp, steel sharp”

Posted: March 24, 2008 by Autumn in Autumn

“The air is sharp, steel sharp”
The teeth of the oxygen are biting hard and sticking fast
Try as I might, I can’t wrench myself
     from the heresy of the blueblack wind
The call to return home echoes in the valley before falling on deaf ears
I’m carving
clawing
creating my own path
Neglecting the frozen footsteps with everything in me
Tonight, I reach my destination–
Tonight, I taste freedom–
Tonight, I bury the past in favor of a warmer future

Disconnected

Posted: March 10, 2008 by Autumn in Autumn

My favorite color used to be blue; now it’s purple. I get caught up in the details and sometimes forget all about the “big picture.” I had trouble leaving my grandmother in the cemetery after the funeral. I am constantly taking pictures to document my ever-changing life. I spent the 4th of July at the beach with my best friend. I still watch cartoons. I wish I had a pretty singing voice. I enjoy feeling like people think they know me and secretly knowing that they have no idea. I adore kids. I used to have a pony and a ground squirrel. I wrote my first poem—“Lonely River”—when I was five years old. I love the smells of Xerox machines and jonquils. My sister once locked me outside in the snow when I was wearing nothing but a bath towel. I could read and write before kindergarten. I only feel truly at home when I’m in New York City. I feel sorry for my mother. I was born after my parents were married for eleven years. I’ve seen three “real” plays, two of them on Broadway. I think that Howl and Sophie have a perfect life together, and I’m jealous: I’ve never been in love. 2005 was the best and worst year of my life. I get nostalgic at wildly inappropriate times. The first time I went to Starbucks, I was instantly hooked. I’m both adaptable and set in my ways.

remember

Posted: February 28, 2008 by kaci333 in Autumn, Uncategorized

Do you remember? I do.A day in November when my world crashed

When my world erupted in a ball of furious chaos

And you became my knight in shining armour

My family exploded in a hail of yelling voices

My mother was the cause yet again

I couldn’t breathe

And you saved me

We weren’t yet together

We hadn’t yet said “I love you”

But I knew you did

You loved me

I can’t remember the movie we saw

I can’t remember the people who passed or spoke

But I remember you

How you saved me

How you were there when it seemed darkest

Do you remember?

I do.

And I will for as long as time turns

Getting in the Zone

Posted: February 20, 2008 by Autumn in Autumn

There are several things that really put me “in the zone,” so to speak. For example, I really enjoy taking pictures. I’m very prone to snapping a billion and two shots, but deleting all except the two. I also really get into reading and writing. When I read a particularly captivating book, it sets ablaze the most wonderful feeling. It’s a form of passive escapism– something we all need in our lives sometimes.

When I start writing a blog entry, I can go on and on for paragraphs and pages about things that seem unbearably, devestatingly important at the time of posting, but feel they make me feel a little silly when I examine them later, which is why I force myself to adhere to one simple, easy little rule: I won’t delete anything I post. Unlike all of those poor pictures I’ve erased, I refuse to eradicate my life of the emotional moments that define my teenage years.

To the Dandelion that Nobody Wants

Posted: February 5, 2008 by Autumn in Autumn

You don’t want to be seen as what you aren’t. That’s admirable in so many ways. You want your radiance to be felt. Your beauty comes maybe from your simplicity. The last stanza is the most beautiful: “Watch these words become my wings/And then/Watch me fly.” Your message is hopeful. Dreams, when dreamed often and vivid enough, can become reality, even for the “dandelion that nobody wants.” Dandelion, you make me feel like anything I aspire to be is tangible, right there, ripe for the picking…just like it was for you.

I don’t think it’s true that anybody really is the dandelion that nobody wants. There’s doubtlessly somebody out there, whether you know it or not, that does want and love you because you are a special, unique individual, whether you’re a person or a dandelion. You perservere through the storm and come out standing strong. Your breaking point is elastic– another thing I admire. I see a lot of good qualities that you’re overlooking that I wouldn’t mind stealing from you.

Dandelion, you may not be a rose, a lion or a golden-haired girl, but I’m sure that somebody would pick you regardless. You have no thorns, no sharp teeth, and no wavering affections. You love life. Life is your passion. Perhaps it’s your love of life that lets your dreams take flight.

Afterthoughts

Posted: February 5, 2008 by Autumn in Autumn

I wrote this when I was involved in a very heated, long, drawn-out battle with a friend. We utterly despised each other for two months, and the entire process was really draining. This, however, is the product of the desire to shed all that unnecessary resentment and make peace with him and with myself.

I hated seeing you go, I hated watching you change, I hated being left behind
Until I realized that I was not the one in neutral
Until I realized that I was the one growing
moving
branching out
touching others’ lives
as I wanted my life to be touched
treasured
I looked back once
Only once
Only because I could no longer stand to see you
neglecting to uproot yourself
Too needy to make it on your own,
Too tired to turn your face to the light

(Please, God
let me have made the right decision
in running
as fast as I
possibly could)