Parody of W.H. Auden’s Satire by Carissa Nelson

Posted: May 14, 2009 by carissan11 in Carissa

(To FW/50/927 This Monument is given by the Athletic Director)

 

He was found by the coaches to be

One against whom there was no official criticism to be given,

And all the stats on his games agree

That, in the modern sense of an All-American athlete, he was one who stole the show,

For in everything he did he followed the rules of the referee.

Except for days when he couldn’t go on, from the start of his career

He worked in the weight room and was never misgiving as it appeared,

But satisfied his fellow players and the football coach

In making the winning decision he was above reproach.

He wasn’t a complainer, not one to cause trouble

And coaches from other schools say his effort was always doubled

(Our report on coaches from other schools show that they are reliable,

They promoted WVSSAC regulations, and thought them to be applicable.)

He had compassion for the sport and had not a single thought of causing pain to a fellow athlete,

The staff is satisfied that he offered nothing but one hundred and ten percent each day

And that his reactions to screen plays were pleasing in unspeakable ways.

Both coaches and players affirm it:

He was fully mindful to the advantages of being on Varsity in his ninth grade year

He had everything necessary for an after high school career,

The strength, will power, and heart to succeed.

Gary Mullins and Josh Fry are pleased

That he held the proper skills to wow the crowd

When there were drills, he did drills; he presented no objection.

His team showed a high amount of proficiency

Which the press says was easy to see.

 

Was he happy? Was it fun? Don’t be ridiculous.

Had anything been wrong, certainly the coaches would have told us

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