PenTherapy

I motion my fingers as if locking my mouth shut. I throw away the key & refuse to let a word out. I watch you praise him on Sunday nights, your motions acting as your words. I continually listen to the stories of the weekend roll off your lips, knowing in my mind this ministry will soon be in vain. I keep quiet. But, you’re pretending again Saint. Hypocritical, again.

 You think you’re in with the ‘in-crowd’, the way you chug the last drink of the booze, letting it burn your throat as it travels to give you your much anticipated high. But, I thought boozers were losers, right? I see behind your blood-shot eyes. You can’t hide the strong scent of the burning leaves – the intense aroma, filling your precious givers-of-air with putrid unknowns. I hate to think of that.

 What do you believe you will get out of your immature behavior? Happiness that lasts as long as the euphoric feeling does? Definitely, but all good things come to an end. I promise you that. Do you not realize what this does to our ‘family’, our Creator? Do you not think of the reputation our way of witness receives because of your habit, your must-have minute, maybe, of contentment?

 You think I don’t know? Well, you should know he does. He knows all. I honestly wish he was not all-knowing, so that perhaps he could be sheltered from hurt he does not deserve.

(To FW/50/927 This Monument is given by the Athletic Director)

He was found by the coaches to be

One against whom there was no official criticism to be given,

And all the stats on his games agree

That, in the modern sense of an All-American athlete, he was one who stole the show,

For in everything he did he followed the rules of the referee.

Except for days when he couldn’t go on, from the start of his career

He worked in the weight room and was never misgiving as it appeared,

But satisfied his fellow players and the football coach

In making the winning decision he was above reproach.

He wasn’t a complainer, not one to cause trouble

And coaches from other schools say his effort was always doubled

(Our report on coaches from other schools show that they are reliable,

They promoted WVSSAC regulations, and thought them to be applicable.)

He had compassion for the sport and had not a single thought of causing pain to a fellow athlete,

The staff is satisfied that he offered nothing but one hundred and ten percent each day

And that his reactions to screen plays were pleasing in unspeakable ways.

Both coaches and players affirm it:

He was fully mindful to the advantages of being on Varsity in his ninth grade year

He had everything necessary for an after high school career,

The strength, will power, and heart to succeed.

Gary Mullins and Josh Fry are pleased

That he held the proper skills to wow the crowd

When there were drills, he did drills; he presented no objection.

His team showed a high amount of proficiency

Which the press says was easy to see.

Was he happy? Was it fun? Don’t be ridiculous.

Had anything been wrong, certainly the coaches would have told us

It is present,
undeniable because it overwhelms you to the point of,
OUTBURSTS!
Like a lump in your throat,
it clogs your inner-being,
enabling you to function as normally as you would.
Problems:
Girls, Sex, Alcohol, School, Friends, Family, Jesus Christ,
anything else you would like to add?
Please do so in a manner likely to add pressure to my everyday life.
It would be nothing new.
Trust in him?
Yes, I do,
but is that enough?
Negatory it seems.
I feel as if the walls are going to crash any time now,
ensconcing me in rubbish forever.
But,
it would be nothing new.
Years, months, weeks, days:
whatever time it has been there,
it has always been there:
in the back of your mind, building until it is ready to surmount,
show itself, and drop you to the floor.

Stupid

          Treacherous

                        Repulsive

                                   Exasperating

                                                    Synthetic

                                                                     Scandalous                     

It engulfs you until the end.     

Peace to you filler of the heart

Peace to you comfort and compassion

Peace to you every second, minute, hour, day, year: eternity by your side

A blessing on both hands and fingers –

small, yet intertwining perfectly with mine

connecting, holding together, piecing together a puzzle quite easy to work

A blessing on you steady heartbeat –

keeping him around for yet another day

relaxing my mind, head on his chest

A blessing on all soft, gentle caresses –

sending breath-taking chills down my spine

stopping my steady breathing, causing a slight murmur

A blessing on Friday nights from August to November –

providing him with a sense of pride and determination after another body hits the grassy, hard field

A blessing on the rides home from Winfield, Lincoln County, George Washington, and Cabell Midland; six minutes on the mat with a settled dual visible on the scoreboard; blue, yellow, green, and white clashing together only to be parted in all the right places: 9-4

On all that gives him that sweaty smell of hard work only I find appealing.

A blessing on May 17^th of every year –

reminding me of where it all began:

instantaneously and awkwardly with the touch of six numbers

Peace be on you, filler of the heart,

peace of my unbending feelings

peace of the vast and unknown only to look forward to in our future together

As far away as you could possibly be,

lying in a hospital you cry.

I know this not because you said it or I heard it,

but because I know you.

I am vehement to shelter you from the fear you now feel,

like a mother with her child I wish to protect you from the inevitable.

I want this not because you do,

but because I know deep down you wish it as well.

If I could scale the three states that seperate us,

I would wipe your tears and say to you,

“I told you we were not meant to be this far apart.”

I say that I would say this not because I know it is what you want to hear,

but because I know that you know it is true.

Uncertainty is the worst feeling in the world,

not knowing what will happen next frightens you.

I’m saying this because I know the truth,

and I know you realize it too.